“Sometimes we feel fear because we are in danger. Sometimes we feel fear because we are uncomfortable.”
A line from a podcast that struck a chord; An idea i’ve held in the back of my mind. When you’re getting to know people you ask a lot of questions. Some of them are simple like, “how many siblings do you have?” and “What do you like to do for fun?” Sometimes questions that are meant to be simple make you look inward unexpectedly, like “what are you afraid of?”
A lot of the time, you’ll get answers like spiders, heights, drowning, getting lost in the wilderness… and when that question is turned onto myself, I feel bad for not having a “real” fear. I’m afraid of abandonment, and being forgotten. Neither of those things could kill you, much like drowning or falling from a great height.
The thing is.. our bodies don’t really know the difference. Our brains have to let our bodies know that what we’re going through does or does not have the potential to kill us. We are the ones that teach our bodies to react a certain way when we’re afraid. Unfortunately, a lot of those habits are formed when we’re children, and we don’t always remember why those habits were formed in the first place. The fear is just stored in our bodies with the hope that it’ll protect us the next time we’re in a similar situation. Something as small as a classmate making fun of you in childhood can turn into a crippling fear of rejection in adulthood.
This is a subject I’ve been thinking about a lot in the wake of my fathers death. It’s something I started thinking about even before I knew that he was sick. And it’s something that I’ll be thinking about through this entire process of healing.
About a month before any of this happened, I sat down with a friend at a very crowded brewery on a sunny day and became unexpectedly vulnerable. I blew up my emotional dam and let those uncomfortable fears pour out. How terribly my father treated me, how the hurt he inflicted on me calloused into an anger, how that anger turned into a fear of being treated the same way by people I loved deeply; Some of my biggest uncomfortable fears. After an hour of hot tears and stinging words, I felt lighter.. I felt less uncomfortable. Bringing words and light to those fears helped me examine them. While the threat of being abandoned or forgotten are valid, they no longer rule my life. Breakups will always hurt, whether they’re with a boyfriend, a best friend, or a father.
In my last entry, I spoke about how my therapist recommended that I do something physical to create my own sense of acceptance and meaning, now that the person who could offer it is no longer here. After some thinking I’ve come to a conclusion on what that’s going to be. I’ll be rebuilding my ‘90s Serotta mountain bike into a gravel bike. I’ll then take that bike and ride 100 miles of gravel in one push. I haven’t decided on an exact route yet, but I know it’s going to be somewhere beautiful.
The cure to uncomfortable fear is curiosity. Taking time to check in with yourself and asking if you’re in danger, and if not, why do you feel this way? What have you gone through that made you feel this way? What do you need to get past this feeling? Give yourself the love, kindness, and patience that you’ve wanted.
This distance on a bike will be uncomfortable for me. Much like this whole experience. But I have the curiosity to go through with it. I know that if I can get through a physical challenge of this caliber, it’ll remind me that I’m capable of getting through this emotional challenge and the ones to follow.